Reigning School Bully Impeached After
Admitting He Loves Dolphins

By Oyl Miller

CAFETERIA, JUDE ELEMENTARY–

When you are the highest ranked 5th grade bully in the Tri-County area you aren't supposed to love many things.

The list of items you are allowed to be exuberant over include illegal fireworks, raunchy R-Rated films you pretend to have seen and the various death metal bands printed on the t-shirts you inherited from your older brother.

One thing is never included on such a list...

Dolphins.

An impressive reign of terror was ended on Thursday in the Jude Elementary School cafeteria when Horace Bullwark accidentally revealed his love of dolphins.

This is the same Horace Bullwark who claimed his bully status by proving he could pound more staples into his palm than the nearest contender.

The same Horace Bullwark that once executed a 'double atomic wedgie' by pulling the waistband of 'some sucker's' underpants over the victim's head and then back down over his toes.

The same Horace Bullwark who once brought a 'mayonnaise and nail' sandwich on sandpaper for lunch.

"Yeah I'm disappointed that it's over," said Bullwark at the press conference near the circle of tires, "But I think I took bullying to unheard of levels for a kid named Horace."

Bullwark was hanging out at his usual lunch table filled with his faithful subordinates when the shocking revelation surfaced.   The table was discussing various pranks and gags they could pull during the upcoming marine life section of their science class, when Bullwark turned heartfelt.

According to a cafeteria reporter, Bullwark's exact words that led to his demise were:

"Hey guys, let's cut Mr. Tompkins a break.   This marine life section might actually be pretty interesting.   I mean, some of you guys talk about sharks a lot.   I'm a dolphin guy.   I've always loved dolphins!"

Top ranking bullies from around the state have indicted Bullwark on three counts of first-degree anti-bullying.   1) Petitioning his peers to support faculty.   2) Petitioning his peers to take academic interest.   3) Over-exuberance for something fruity.

"What if some second grader caught a pack of fifth grade bullies reading their textbooks?" 5 th grade bully candidate Arthur Magnuson said, "By the time that second grader is at the top of the heap, he might assume that bullies love school."

While Bullwark's surrounding gang of fifth graders all publicly acknowledge their friendship with the 'fallen thug', all upcoming play-dates have been cancelled indefinitely.

"Of course we're still tight," said childhood friend Cornelius Jenkins, "But if you think the dolphin thing makes him soft, I hear he has a poster of a purple unicorn in his room."

Bullwark is currently taking offers from other playground clichés including the jocks and the karate dojo dweebs.   He even mentioned a possibility of 'going all math geek on us.'