The Daniel Stern Quiz

by staff

It may or may not be scientifically proven that there is a little bit of Daniel Stern in all of us.   We won't even question that statement.   The real question is, which Daniel Stern are we?   There is an old Latin saying that I am too lazy to look up that when translated means, "Know thyself, for thou are a bit like Daniel Stern."   This quiz will help you follow those Latino words of wisdom.

INSTRUCTION: Print this page out.   Circle the answer to each question that best describes you.   Answer each question as honestly as possible.   Do not just choose the answer that you think will make you the Daniel Stern of your dreams.   At the end of the quiz, add up your score and send us the numerical value of your score and our scientists will send you a free analysis of your true Daniel Stern persona!

You are at a nice restaurant and there is a fly in your soup.   You:

1. Thank the lord it isn't a Tarantula and just eat it.

2. Confront the waiter, ask for a free meal, and then back down to the waiter's intimidating attitude and eat the fly.  

3. Complain about the fact that there is only one fly in your soup.

4. Reminisce about a life changing experience from when you had a fly in your soup as a kid.

5. You don't notice because you are watching the game.

6. You demand a new bowl of soup and a free meal.

You are giving a speech at a college graduation ceremony. Your opening line is:

1.   "Larry Bird once said...."

2. "What would you do if I sang out of tune.   Would you stand up and walk out on me?"

3. Nothing, you would just screw off the golden school emblem on the podium and get out of there as fast as you can.

4. "You all have worked very hard, and I'm proud of you.   Unfortunately at least 73.4% of you will end up working for your Father-in-law in a grocery store.

5. You're all a bunch of biscuits and graduation is the gravy!   Let's have a meal!

6. You're about to embark on an incredible journey.   Make sure you use Mapquest.com to get you where you are going.  

Your wife tells you she is pregnant.   Your reaction is:

1. "You're my wife!?"

2. "We're naming it Larry!"

3. "Great!   First the check out girl, now you!"

4. "I knew I should have signed on for Home Alone 3!"

5. "Harry!"

6. "I remember it like it was yesterday.   I thought I had gotten Winnie pregnant in second grade because we held hands."

You just won the lottery.   The first thing you do is:

1. Spend it all on midgets riding tricycles.

2. Tell a story about the time you won a ruler in a middle school raffle.

3. Buy a solid gold crow bar.

4. Buy your own fantasy baseball dude ranch.

5. Buy a locker in the Celtics locker room.

6. Jumpstart your career by financing an independent movie.

You are in a department store and a little kid walks up to you and hugs your leg. You:

1. Say, "Where did you learn to box out like that?

2. Say, "Hey kid, you got rich parents?"

3. Say, "Clean up on aisle 6!"

4. Challenge the kid to an arm wrestling match.

5. Say, "I don't work with children any more."

6. Say, "Because of copyright laws I can't really label this period of your life, but enjoy it while you can kid.

You are being mugged.   You:

1. Whack the mugger with your crow bar and take his money.

2. Lull the mugger to sleep with a story about how Tom O'Brien stole your lunch money in the 5 th grade.

3. You give him all your money and ask for his address so that you can continue sending him money.

4. Say, "Take my money, just don't take my tickets!"

5. Give the mugger tips on how to better mug you.

6. Give him your autograph claiming it'll be worth hundreds on e-bay.

You are giving the Eulogy at your mother's funeral.  

1. While you distract the crowd with an emotional speech, your partner goes through all their cars.

2. You say, "I don't know what was worse, losing my mother or losing to Magic in '87.

3. You say, "Mom was a biscuit.   Who wants gravy?"   And then you poor gravy on the ground out of respect.

4. After a couple of minutes of false starts and whimpering, y our best friend takes over and gives a speech about how life is about your index finger.

5. You run old home movies of mom set to Beatles songs.

6. You're not able to make it to the funeral because you are on the set of your latest movie.

You are on a plane when terrorists hijack it.  

1. You quickly pledge your allegiance to their cause.

2. You join them, use one of their turbans to clog the sink in the plane bathroom explaining, "We're the Wet Terrorists!"

3. You are frustrated by the fact that this is not a situation that you can be nostalgic about.

4. You say, "What's your name?   Kareem Abdul Jabar?"

5. You ask the stewardess for an extra blanket.

6. You say, "Are you guys from the studio?"

You are at your kid's Tee Ball game and the umpire makes a horrible call.  

1. You start to argue with the umpire, and then apologize profusely and eject yourself from the ballpark.

2. You start an all out brawl and then slip away to jack the parents' cars.

3. You are inspired to sign on for that new script "Red Sox Pride."

4. You shout at the umpire, "You wouldn't have made that call if I was sitting atop a unicorn!"

5. You say, "In my life I have never seen such a bad call! Well there was this one time...." (Crowd groans)

6. Who gives a crap, the Celtics won.

You are taking this quiz.   You hope the outcome is:

1. Daniel Stern from Home Alone

2. Daniel Stern from City Slickers

3. Daniel Stern from Celtic Pride

4. Daniel Stern from Wonder Years

5. Daniel Stern from Rookie of the Year

6. Actually Daniel Stern.

E-mail your score to thecopilotmagazine@gmail.com and our scientists will reply to your e-mail within two business days with the results of your test and a written explanation.