Five Things I've Done
That You Probably Haven't:
by garrett palm
1. Killed a man in Abilene and framed my brother. Watched the Texas courts work their justice on him. While the priest was reading "Yea, though I walk through the valley of Death...", looked in his eyes and promised him I would "find the son of a bitch who did this".
2. Thrown my computer monitor through my 31st floor office window in the Financial District, screaming "If Tamaki and De la Hey want to play hard ball with our 500 million, we're going to give them a few fastballs under the chin!!"
3. Spent the night on a yacht in international waters with 5 dead Bolivians and $10 million worth of cocaine. In the morning: set the yacht on fire and escaped on a motorboat with the cocaine and the hearts of the Bolivians.
4. Met a man in a field on the high plains of Kansas who stunk of sulfur and had irises flecked with hot embers. Wrestled him and pinned him until he granted me jurisdiction over the great valley and her people between the Rockies and the Appalachians.
5. Taught Johan Santana how to throw a convincing change-up and jock strap wetting slider to complement his fastball when he was in high school. In exchange, received 60% of his soul, while the man with ember irises received the rest.